i woke up.
think i felt too hot.

slightly too lucid to return to sleep.

i paste here wat i wrote just now abt 11ishpm



gotta put this down b4 lose it
lostquite abit aredy.

Have u ever felt tt everythin was fine on the outside
but inside,
there is a quite chaos
tt might just rip apart
at a moment?

i feel a lurking

i was thinking might be gd to be a teen agn
to feel emotions in all their glory
the brunt of it
the raw strength of it

wat have i done?

often, on the train home alone
or sometimes wif frens
i feel an urge to cry, to wail
to burst out
to scream

i feel not a sadness but
a quiet desperation
a panic
a disappointment
a dissatisfaction...


***

somebody give me a gun so i can shoot myself.
the thought itself is ridiculous,
yet the emotion or raw material for tt inclination
is there...

no no im not suicidal NO... pls..

More like...
tired? no dun think so...
hate myself? mmm... nah.. too teenager

ponder somemore......

havent been sleeping well recently- evidently.
partially course to do with cigarettes- inhibit deep sleep.

but course mental state of health.

Or the wholistic approach-

couldnt find it but vaguely remember a bible passage
which alludes to having gd slp as an indicator
of gd/ relationship wif em/ conscience etc. cant rem exactly
but the point is tt blessed are those who sleep well
becos their life is more or less in order
and those who dont;
there ssssooooomething wrong somewhere...

***


Ive lost ... No
Ive exchanged who. what i was for who i am now
not simply innocence
but obedience. I lost, no defaulted
on wat i told i would give my God. Because he first gave his Son,
i agreed n returned him my life. (this is a gross simplification but u get
the idea)

funny thing is, the older i got, the more greedy/materialistic/realistic/prideful/eager to
leave my own personal mark in the world
the life tt i gave suddenli became a lot heavier.

Is this rationalization?
it was clear tt i did not come to such an answer
after ascending some mountain and meditating (ohmmmmm)

i starting drifting fr God since yr 1. I guess, the ultimate catalyst- i wouldnt say cause
was my struggle wif ahfen...

haiz.... what am i now?

when i look at some of my older icq conversations,
i get abit of a chill... the religous fervour oozes out of my pores..


yet i do recognize, tt despite tt distasteful disposition,
i was much more use and benefit to the world, to myself than i am now.

and i had peace.

i am walking thru the desert. I hope i come to the springs soon.


***


I stand as an observer over two frens BGR ...
without justifying my perspective, i felt
a tt one was being over-reliant on the other.

and i thot of myself.

I think i pride myself on maintaining a secure distance from
anyone person.

its not tt I neeed to Be bymyself (or maybe i do)
but tt i feel tt everyone should be an independent, relatively
self-sufficient unit as a base.

yet who am i to criticise? i worry abt when i Do get into a relationship.

i think girls rarely speak directly abt THE relationship wif their partners.
So, the guy has to 1) speak directly and hence, clumsily
2) sort out, translate and define the nuances and hints and hidden messages of
verbal and non-verbal comms sent.

Both methods are inherently problematic.

I think i know more or less how to be a gd friend.
im losing it tho... losing tt selflessness... or maybe lost it

but with a girlfriend?
no reference leh...

furthermore, society is complicated.
diverse.

this also demands a definition of what a bf gf relationship is
do u automatically promote the relationship after a certain number
of dates like starbucks gives free coffee?

k bad analogy.

thing is, i think some girls would like the benefits of a bf-type person
without commitment (and what is commitment?)
well others do- exclusive, no gng out solo wif other ppl etc.

point is, there are so many variables and nuances a relationship can take
where does a bf-gf relationship begin and end?

remember - a relationship is formed the immediate moment u meet someone.
when a bf-gf "breaks up"
the official, formalized, accorded boundaries of the relationship change
as per human made decision. very much like the political boundaries tt we accord
the nations of the earth. But often, just like e.g the hills people in Myanmar do not consider themselves Burman,
and the hills and mountains and seas do not split up and draw lines when we humans decide tt it is so,

relationships continue and change because of the rules we accord them, but sometimes inspite of them.

anyway- i figure as long both parties are headed in the same direction, it should be fine

e.g both jus want fling
e.g both have a marriage mind, 2 kids n HDB idea

but the thing is, as a guy i onli figure those 2 methods of figuring out a girl mentioned above.
so... im sorta screwed?

***


im still not sleepy.

been awhile since posted anythg.....

hmm...

im a little worried...
recently got to know a girl,
n we've gotten relatively intimate
physical close, pretty soon...
met up a couple of times but rather often...

im comfortable wif her..
but im worried...

think this is the first time tt i mm havent thought so much
abt a relationship before erherm... playing ard...

thing is.. icqng wif crab tt day
n there pro n con -
one thing is cos there is minimal frenship,
im not so afraid of spoiling a frenship...
one other thing is tt i feel perhaps
im stil in the "polite" stage
meaning cant see the bad side of me u noe?

but shes been fun...
herm herm...
how ah?

girls duo duo shao shao
cant divorce feeling from physical closeness rite?
meaning she mus have some positive inclination towards me
tt pretty much is clear

i think she also is jus not reallie thinking abt anything
n jus gng wif ...
n no im not going ask anythin outright.
why?
cos if u erm record everything weve said
and put it on a transcript
nothing at all would seem untoward.

gettit?
v subtle.


ugh im grossing myself out
souns like a girl...

take care ppl......